50 ways to leave your club….

Mourinho - clearly he didn't rate my efforts
Mourinho – clearly he didn’t rate my efforts

It must have been a nightmare.

I was in the changing-room after one of the mid-week practice sessions, sitting on the benches alongside other members of the Cov squad. I was clearly one of the players; at 56 and asthmatic –  why wouldn’t I be?  I was puffing and panting away, having done some extra fitness work to get up to speed…I expect I was coming back from injury and very much needed for the next game.

Anyway, Jose  Mourinho was in the changing room and was giving it large, clearly unhappy with our recent performances. One or two of the players were starting to express their own views and it was obvious that the atmosphere was getting pretty tense…

And at that point I woke up.

But I’d been invaded by an earworm. One of those songs that just won’t go away. Whence it came, I’ve no idea, and it certainly wasn’t about to leave…it was Paul Simon’s ’50 ways to leave your lover’ – the one where the lover offers humorous advice on ways to end the relationship.

With all the posts about unrest at the club, I suppose on a subconscious level, I must have feared the worst with Danny’s departure, as you do. The reality is clearly nothing like that and thanks to Jon Sharp (and Jean) for putting an end to the speculation. That and Mourinho’s continuing humiliation on Tuesday evening, this time at the hands of Stoke City, I suppose somehow my mind made a connection between the two. Thinking about it, we might have actually been wearing the Chelsea strip.

Anyway, it’s pretty obvious where this is leading by now.

Very much tongue-in-cheek, here is an up-to-date Cov version of the Paul Simon classic, with the original names substituted for some slightly more familiar ones.

This is my take on what Mourinho might have gone on to say, had I not woken up…there are no messages in this, hidden or otherwise. It’s just meant as a bit of fun, honest!


50 Ways To Leave Your Club

Apologies to the great man...
Apologies to the great man…

The problem is all inside your head he said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave this club…

He said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave this club
Fifty ways to leave your club

You just slip out the back, Jacques
No need to remain, Wayne
Your no longer the man, Dan
Just get yourself free
You ain’t so bad, Chad
Swallow the pill, Phil
Just drop off the key, Andy
And get yourself free

He said it grieves me so to see you all in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you play again
We all said that we appreciated that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways to leave your club

Jose, he said why don’t we all just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light
And then he smiled at me and I realised he probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your club
Fifty ways to leave your club

No time for a chat, Matt
I just don’t give a damn, Sam
Get a new gal, Cal
Just get yourself free
Turn off the hob, Rob
Cross over that gorge, George
Just drop off the key, see
And get yourself free

This ain’t no school prom, Tom
Get in your car and rev, Dev 
You’re out on a limb, Tim 
Just get yourself free
Go for everyone’s sake, Jake
No point in a tiff, Cliff
Just drop off the key, see
And get yourselves free

If you have any alternative lyrics, please do include them in a comment…!

And here’s the original, just for the purists…

Author: Tim

4 thoughts on “50 ways to leave your club….

  1. Thanks. Phil. Probably not something I should be posting but in what’s been a difficult few days for the club I thought if might be appropriate to lighten the mood a little…

Any thoughts:

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